Penny Pinching Peach


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Grieving the Miscarriage of an Unplanned Pregnancy

TrustProv

 

Yesterday was six months since I held my lifeless child in the palm of my hand.

I knelt in the bathroom floor staring in shock and wonder at this tiny, translucent baby who never had the chance to breathe. I was surprised at how human and yet how alien our child looked at that early stage of development. I didn’t expect to see a recognizable infant. I never saw it with my first miscarriage.

I experienced a hugely conflicting range of emotions.

I felt guilty, because I was still wrestling with the fear of going through another complicated pregnancy and delivery, and of the impact that would have on my health and family. I felt grief, because I hadn’t had time to truly love my baby until I held it dead in my hand. I felt selfish and unworthy of grieving when I was so scared of everything that this pregnancy meant for me. I felt frustration, because the few people I told didn’t understand what I was going through. I felt peace in knowing something about this baby wasn’tviable, and I did nothing wrong. I felt angry that my preventive measures failed to put us through this loss at all. I can’t even say everything I felt.

I told very few people about my miscarriage.

This baby was unplanned. I hadn’t told anyone about it yet, since I  needed time to accept it myself. We would have loved it the same as our other children, but we had agreed not to risk my health with another pregnancy. I had barely started coming to terms with going through it again for our new baby when it was gone. I didn’t feel either deserving of sympathy or able to cope with criticism,  so I kept quiet.

I don’t know why I am so sad again.

I keep seeing that barely forming baby laying in my hand. I feel that surge of confusing emotions all over. I still don’t want to deal with pregnancy ever again, but I grieve over the one I lost. It is illogical and crazy, but I suspect that I am not alone.  Hopefully my sharing will help someone else see that she is not the only one dealing with a confusing reaction to miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy.

You may be interested in reading the story of my nicu baby and that you are not alone in your struggles!

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Struggling? You Are Not Alone.

Carrying my baby while I can

Carrying my baby while I can

I have been struggling. I’m struggling with handling life’s bigger problems- like finances and relationships. I’m struggling with my self image after birthing three children and having health issues. I’m struggling with my precious unruly children, teething fussy baby and a moderate dose of post partum depression. I will be okay, but this poem flowed out of all that and more. I felt that maybe someone would benefit from my transparency, although I was hesitant to share this.

♥♥♥

Baby teething, keeps on screaming,

Must have Mommy, and it’s seeming

Like she’ll never let me put her down

Or let me stop carrying her around…

But she will.

♥♥♥

Threenager yelling out so loud,

Waking baby and feeling proud.

Leaving destruction wherever he goes

Hard to imagine he’ll get better as he grows…

But he will.

♥♥♥

Six year old asking questions galore,

When I answer, she wants to know more,

Gives me attitude when she doesn’t understand,

Will she always question every command?

Probably will.

♥♥♥

My head is pounding from the chaos and noise,

My kids drive me crazy, but they’re also such joys.

They tire me out and the work’s never done

Will I miss their neediness as much as the fun?

I think I will.

♥♥♥

Some days I’m discouraged and wonder why

Do I continue to give them my best Mommy try?

Will it matter if I do my best to raise them right,

Or just let them run wild without giving a fight?

I know it will.

♥♥♥

Why am I sharing my struggles with you?

Because I’m not alone, and know this is true.

Most parents struggle and feel they’re not enough,

Does it help to admit I love my children, but it’s tough?

Maybe it will.

♥♥♥

Are you struggling today? What helps you when you are struggling? Two things that help me are writing and shifting my focus to others.

“Penny Pinching Peach is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com”

This bracelet would be a wonderful reminder that God can bring you through anything If God Brings You To It, He Will Help You Through It Bracelet!

I wrote a series about kindness awhile back, if you are interested in some ideas on how to help others. Here’s one of the posts from that series: Share The Kindness.