Yesterday was six months since I held my lifeless child in the palm of my hand.
I knelt in the bathroom floor staring in shock and wonder at this tiny, translucent baby who never had the chance to breathe. I was surprised at how human and yet how alien our child looked at that early stage of development. I didn’t expect to see a recognizable infant. I never saw it with my first miscarriage.
I experienced a hugely conflicting range of emotions.
I felt guilty, because I was still wrestling with the fear of going through another complicated pregnancy and delivery, and of the impact that would have on my health and family. I felt grief, because I hadn’t had time to truly love my baby until I held it dead in my hand. I felt selfish and unworthy of grieving when I was so scared of everything that this pregnancy meant for me. I felt frustration, because the few people I told didn’t understand what I was going through. I felt peace in knowing something about this baby wasn’tviable, and I did nothing wrong. I felt angry that my preventive measures failed to put us through this loss at all. I can’t even say everything I felt.
I told very few people about my miscarriage.
This baby was unplanned. I hadn’t told anyone about it yet, since I needed time to accept it myself. We would have loved it the same as our other children, but we had agreed not to risk my health with another pregnancy. I had barely started coming to terms with going through it again for our new baby when it was gone. I didn’t feel either deserving of sympathy or able to cope with criticism, so I kept quiet.
I don’t know why I am so sad again.
I keep seeing that barely forming baby laying in my hand. I feel that surge of confusing emotions all over. I still don’t want to deal with pregnancy ever again, but I grieve over the one I lost. It is illogical and crazy, but I suspect that I am not alone. Hopefully my sharing will help someone else see that she is not the only one dealing with a confusing reaction to miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy.
I have been struggling. I’m struggling with handling life’s bigger problems- like finances and relationships. I’m struggling with my self image after birthing three children and having health issues. I’m struggling with my precious unruly children, teething fussy baby and a moderate dose of post partum depression. I will be okay, but this poem flowed out of all that and more. I felt that maybe someone would benefit from my transparency, although I was hesitant to share this.
Baby teething, keeps on screaming,
Must have Mommy, and it’s seeming
Like she’ll never let me put her down
Or let me stop carrying her around…
But she will.
Threenager yelling out so loud,
Waking baby and feeling proud.
Leaving destruction wherever he goes
Hard to imagine he’ll get better as he grows…
But he will.
Six year old asking questions galore,
When I answer, she wants to know more,
Gives me attitude when she doesn’t understand,
Will she always question every command?
My head is pounding from the chaos and noise,
My kids drive me crazy, but they’re also such joys.
They tire me out and the work’s never done
Will I miss their neediness as much as the fun?
I think I will.
Some days I’m discouraged and wonder why
Do I continue to give them my best Mommy try?
Will it matter if I do my best to raise them right,
Or just let them run wild without giving a fight?
I know it will.
Why am I sharing my struggles with you?
Because I’m not alone, and know this is true.
Most parents struggle and feel they’re not enough,
Does it help to admit I love my children, but it’s tough?
Maybe it will.
Are you struggling today? What helps you when you are struggling? Two things that help me are writing and shifting my focus to others.
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