Yesterday was six months since I held my lifeless child in the palm of my hand.
I knelt in the bathroom floor staring in shock and wonder at this tiny, translucent baby who never had the chance to breathe. I was surprised at how human and yet how alien our child looked at that early stage of development. I didn’t expect to see a recognizable infant. I never saw it with my first miscarriage.
I experienced a hugely conflicting range of emotions.
I felt guilty, because I was still wrestling with the fear of going through another complicated pregnancy and delivery, and of the impact that would have on my health and family. I felt grief, because I hadn’t had time to truly love my baby until I held it dead in my hand. I felt selfish and unworthy of grieving when I was so scared of everything that this pregnancy meant for me. I felt frustration, because the few people I told didn’t understand what I was going through. I felt peace in knowing something about this baby wasn’tviable, and I did nothing wrong. I felt angry that my preventive measures failed to put us through this loss at all. I can’t even say everything I felt.
I told very few people about my miscarriage.
This baby was unplanned. I hadn’t told anyone about it yet, since I needed time to accept it myself. We would have loved it the same as our other children, but we had agreed not to risk my health with another pregnancy. I had barely started coming to terms with going through it again for our new baby when it was gone. I didn’t feel either deserving of sympathy or able to cope with criticism, so I kept quiet.
I don’t know why I am so sad again.
I keep seeing that barely forming baby laying in my hand. I feel that surge of confusing emotions all over. I still don’t want to deal with pregnancy ever again, but I grieve over the one I lost. It is illogical and crazy, but I suspect that I am not alone. Hopefully my sharing will help someone else see that she is not the only one dealing with a confusing reaction to miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy.
Today the thought struck me that being frugal is not just a necessity on my family’s budget, but an integral part of who I am.
for your shower necessities, then camp where they have very clean and well kept bath houses or visit relatives!
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like this one I have is a lifesaver! Trust me on this, y’all! Also, three kids can and will crowd into the teeny tiny bathroom with me most times. There is no lock!
, until I visited a conventional home. It’s like sandpaper versus clouds!
, you are going to get acquainted with laundromats or find alternative solutions to get your laundry done. My husband takes most of ours with him on shift.
at the top of their lungs.
, only when there isn’t an infant under the age of one in the house. I’m waiting another two or three years to expect to sleep fairly well again. 🙂
who works 24-72 hours at a time.
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Penny Pinching Peach 